In this age, it's as fast as we can apply fingers to a keyboard, for all manner of reasons. For many, sharing their every thought via social media has become completely normal. To the point of exclusion of the people right there in the room. Where it becomes an inner battle is when you realise that you are essentially a private person. 2020 so far, isn't what any one of us have bargained for, however for me, this year has an even greater poignant significance. I have to acknowledge the sad passing of my dear mum on the 27th January 2020. Making sense of that reality in some way, means sharing it. I didn't post the news on social media when it happened and I've wondered during my inactivity on social media where or when it might be appropriate or feel right for me to make myself known again. If you have an interest in my music, it is possible there is a small chance you may have arrived at this blog.
The fear of losing someone you love is horrible, the reality even worse. My mum was only 69 and in many ways I feel sad because she was robbed. I know that I must try to be grateful for every year. I don't feel it would be correct to relay chapter and verse of her private battle, pain or sufferings throughout the last year of her life. My mum was the most well intentioned person that I knew. She was also discreet and above all, she chose not to do social media. Despite this, she had a very youthful spirit. We were very fortunate that we were able to give her a send off that was befitting of her and incorporating touches of her humour. Sometimes the ringing of a phone is a stark reminder that I will never hear from my mum again. Every now and then that reality is hard to bear. It is still very raw.
The first Easter weekend without her. I feel it today, I knew when I opened my eyes. Feelings of extreme sadness that I hope will pass in time. I must say the purpose of this blog was not to be miserable. It’s a genuine attempt to come to terms with what has happened. My dear mum passed on the day she was supposed to get out of hospital. The prognosis wasn't good,we knew that but this was also unexpected.
Grieving and this period of 'lockdown' is an unusual mix, it gives you even more time on your hands to reflect. It has also brought about a temporary distraction from sadness and tears. There are undoubtedly challenging times ahead for every one of us. There can never be a 'back to normal'. The world will have changed because of the current 'pandemic' whether it's for the better remains to be seen but I’ll spare you the party political broadcast. What does going back to reality mean? Whatever reality means for me, it will be a reality without my mum. I personally will be living in a different world.
For the past year or so, for obvious reasons my priority and focus hasn’t entirely been about music. I always ponder my musical place in the world anyway however it resonates even more today. Although the song in my heart has been muted, there is more to be done musically and for now it isn't quite over and out. The direction might change. Apples will grow again.
I hope you have all had a lovely Easter weekend albeit under the most unusual of circumstances. For now, I’m away for chocolate and nettle tea
Pauline x